My first heartbreak was for someone who had not even taken the time to take me on a date, or see me at all. Literally didn’t give me time of day. I’m thankful for it now, and I get a gag reflex whenever I see the few pictures of him on my Google photos. Little piece of shit. I later found out on my local '“Are we dating the same guy” facebook group that he was still on a deranged spree to get someone to realise his cuck kink. Another woman said he’s beaten her and one of his exes too. Piece of shit. Thank you for having spared me.
Thank you from the bottom of the heart I let you break so quickly. Fast and Clean cellophaned heartbreak. It’s like being in one of those dystopian all white padded cell-rooms, where you’re the crazy one, cause you’ve never met him, or anyone for that matter, and that’s so insane cause why are you hurting this much, and soon enough, it’s why did you let yourself get hurt this bad. Why is your self-esteem this low. Why didn’t you just learn to love yourself more.
At the time I had not done the reading. Not the one about how to love yourself. The reading about self-love and its conception as a skill you can just develop being mostly a psyop of the late modern neoliberal condition. Your self-love, every single bit of it, you copied from the love others have shown you throughout your life. I wasn’t loved enough. So I got heartbroken over an asshole because he was the first to tell me I was beautiful. Not because I hadn’t done enough self-affirmative I am beautifuls and I am loveds. I’ve never even loved him. Who knew you don’t even need to have loved someone to get heartbroken.
About a month into the tears, I got prescribed Vyvanse-for-ADHD. The tears reduced in size and in frequency. I had been losing weight, but these pills had cut whatever appetite I had left. Consequently, I got thinner. Thinner than I have ever been. I would look at my naked body in the mirror, and see my body changing fast. Finally something was happening, someone, albeit just me, was replying. Things weren’t just in my head. With it came a feeling of achievement, after the failure to achieve the simplest exercise in the romantic realm. I then booked a complete course of full-body laser hair removal. I had interrupted that endeavour when that psychopath told me he loved body hair on women.
Laser is expensive and painful, and at some point you even have to spread your own buttcheeks so the technician can slide her burning hot gun in between them. I enjoyed every session, the pain was purgatory, and the humiliation, non-existent next to the one I had subjected myself to with that guy. Some people pay dominatrixes way more for similar effects. And they don’t even get their hair removed. With that I booked an appointment to get my teeth aligned. With Vyvanse, I also felt so much less emotional pain about things that would usually linger or fully occupy my mind for hours. I had been diagnosed with OCD a few months back, I think it explains, at least in part, why I got infatuated with that dickhead so quickly. He had baited me.
This is how many “situationships” are created by the way. The other baits you with something in yourself you care, or are insecure about. It can be your desirability, your intelligence, your uniqueness, your social status, your morals. And then they oscillate in the demonstrations of their opinions about it, in a subtle way: one day your eyes are gorgeous and he really wants to meet you, and the next couple of days, he tells you about a hot ex he fell in love with in 2007, or he just completely forgets about your existence for 5 days. Now that they’ve wired intermediate rewards in their interactions with you, you’re hooked.
You put time, nudes, desire, availability and energy in the slot machine everyday, and every once in a while, Ding ding ding ding, a few cheap coins with his stupid face on it fall on your thighs. Your currency is low because your energy is cheap, and it’s cheap because most of those you chose to give it to said it was. These are the laws of the market. The invisible hand supposed to regulate all of this is the self-help daily affirmations I mentioned earlier. I found amphetamines had a much better exchange rate, had I been prescribed them earlier, none of this pathetic waste of energy would’ve happened.
I bought formaldehyde-free keratin for my hair too. Formaldehyde-free but the toxic fumes still suffocate you as you deep-fry each hair section with the flat iron 7-10 times as indicated. Also your scalp gets really irritated and it hurts when you brush your hair, for a couple days post-treatment. I thinned out my eyebrows a bit more, and had to listen to my mom on Facetime telling me they look horrible now. I then bought a bunch of skirts and dresses, which I could wear now that my legs were all smooth, and my stomach all flat. If I were to give these moments a soundtrack, it would of course be Tchaikovsky’s Swan lake. Dark, metamorphic and cathartic; I was engendering my own poetic justice.
I was masturbating again too. Way more however. It looked like a clear sign that I had gotten over that loser and that I needed to get out there again. I found a guy on Reddit. Sent him nudes, we texted, sexted, and, innovation; we had phone sex. I felt nothing. He was married with kids, in a dead bedroom/ dead relationship situation. A very kind guy. Very sexy voice. I definitely have a fetish for low male voices with North American accents.
I say fetish because it’s gotten to the point where no other type of voice can register as sexy. I’ve gotten audio porn-brained, unfortunately for me and those who don’t fit in my now much smaller and geographically distant pool of suitable mates. The disqualified include those who are North American but don’t know how to dirty talk, or flirt or sext, or refrain from ruining the plot and the tension that would make our interaction a bit less boring than he would want to later complain about. More on this foolishness later though.
Back to… yeah. My amphetamine-induced projection into the realisation of the post heartbreak glow-up, as they call it. It wasn’t really a glow-up, as much as it was an Orphic descent into hell, a la Black Swan; my ribs were starting to show and I was sexting a married man, and my masturbatory habits started exceeding the limits of what is commonly designated as average, and started to include new sounds and reflexes such as sticking my tongue out and rolling my eyes like a demon until a thunderclap headache point of no return.
At some point, I contacted a guy who posts porn online. Gorgeous body, gorgeous genitals. I sent him nudes, to which he responded very positively. It healed something in my soul. We talked a bit, and I realised I’ve never had someone be this kind and sweet to me. In my life. One day, he said he wanted to actually fly to meet me. I told him that I was a jealous woman, and that his lifestyle was obviously not compatible with my emotional constitution that demands that I, me, myself and I, remain the only recipient of my lover’s desire.
He said he doesn’t care to quit all of it if he gets in a relationship. It was a side hustle. And what a side hustle. A hustle on the side and a big one in the front too ! Hahahahaha. I’m bad. I’m bad. I’m bad ! Also if I were to say what subReddit I looked in to find him, you’d say I’m not just bad, I’m also only wanting one thing and it’s disgusting. Certain things need to be kept for the physical diary. Digital footprint and stuff.
It was r/BWC. I was exploring and I stumbled upon it ! Are we not allowed to explore the web and stumble upon things that are in the Web ? I didn’t even know what BWC meant. I had heard of BBC, BBW, BMW, BBL, BYD, BBM, but BWC ? What’s that ? Oh… hehehehe damn, that’s… that’s that. Eh sometimes it’s too much. Maybe they should also come up with VBWC or something, because sometimes it’s a penis but also something that one can confuse with a deep ocean creature, or a baseball bat. (In which case it would be BBBWC). If someone with this sort of penis stands close to your bed late at night, and whispers that they want your pussy tonight, what can you do, honestly if not slap the dick in question (boioioioiong just for fun haha) and then run away immediately (and turn off the light on him and lock the door of course so he can’t come and attack you with his monstrous, freshly slapped schlong).
Also I felt like I needed to really look at penises to try and truly eroticize them, because I wasn’t really sure about their inherent sex appeal. Like, people are generally pretty turned off by the concept of dick pics, and even women are more into lesbian porn than anything else. Am I supposed to find penises attractive per se ? What if the guy I get with (in the future, when I go ahead and actually get with a guy) pulls down his pants and I get freaked out and run away (even if it’s normal sized)? To prevent such a thing from occurring, I thought it was preferable to preemptively familiarise myself with the graphics of the cock and the balls remotely, so I can bear and hopefully even, who knows, enthusiastically enjoy the witnessing of their existence in flesh.
I must say I got more and more into that branch (hehehe), to the point where lesbian porn was no longer something I enjoyed watching. Even heterosexual porn was not doing it anymore, because the ladies’ fake tits give me the hibbie-jibbies, especially the way the guy grabs them with no regard to how tearable they must be. Aghhh ! Hibbie-jibbies. Also, the woman’s moans are obnoxious, and the guy is always so stoic or emotionally unengaged, no moaning, no dirty talk, no sweet talk, no eye contact, no kissing, no embracing, no neck kisses, no whispering, no caressing, no teasing… so basically we’re attending a funeral where we mourn the last bastion of love; sex has been eviscerated from the love it contains, and now, the maggots of the porn industry are feasting on desire in it’s masculine manifestations too, and the remaining carcass - the mechanic coital pounding- loses what it had left in inhabited meaning and, and all of sudden, you ask, what am I doing, what are they doing, what is this actually ?
tbc.
so funny but so good! genuinely laughed out loud at the boioioioing part lmfaoooo
this is so fucking funny lmaoo It’s like gossiping through video call 😂