My first time having whatever that was
Femcel pt.6
There’s a huge difference between wanting sex, and being ready for sex. Unfortunately no one knows what it is. At least I didn’t.
The 40 year old guy I picked on Hinge said he wanted to have sex with me. I was amphetamine-horny, and I just wanted someone to actually agree to meet me, talk to me, give me some time, touch me. If the only way I could get that was by offering sex, so be it. No time for thinking about anything, I’m horny and touch-starved. I didn’t even know the difference, I just knew this; anything. Anything but a textuationship where I humiliate myself for 5 months. As long as it’s not that, I’m winning. And even if I’m losing, I’m not losing as much as I did with that guy.
Bye-bye Asmr boyfriend that I pay 5 dollars a month to moan in my ears and call me princess and baby girl. A real guy is apparently going to drive 5 hours to meet me. What a revolution. Considering what I hitherto subjected myself to in terms of rejection. I know it because it’s free unprotected sex with a virgin, but it was free unprotected sex with a virgin for the Californian dickhead too. It still wasn’t worth wasting his time. I also found out during the time we were talking, he took a whole flight to meet another girl. If you’re wondering how it felt, horrible. How does it feel now ? Good. I’ll never thank that monster enough for having spared me.
He arrived in front of my door on a Friday at 3pm, but I wasn’t there. And I didn’t pick up his texts, I was in the convenience store looking for a new toilet seat because I was scared that he might sit on my defective one and pinch his balls with it or something, or slip and fall in the toilet bowl and scream, and have me take him to the hospital and that’s my virginity-loss weekend ruined. He waited in front of my door for around 15 minutes as he was sending me things like, are you ok ? Please talk to me, if you’ve changed your mind that’s fine, just come out and talk to me, please. I read those texts as he was telling me about his trip and how he waited for 15 minutes etc. It must have been a sight for the neighbours, seeing me with a toilet seat in my arms, and a guy with a backpack waiting in front of my door trying to hug me.
He thought we were going to hug in the street,in public. I opened the door and told him to come in. He tried to hug me in a sexy way or something, but I thought it was quite weird because he said in one of his texts that he was a sweaty mess because of his long car-trip. Why are you trying to hug me when you know you’re a “sweaty mess”, instead of telling me let’s take a shower together and start something erotic or something. Sigh.
Also my man came through with… hiking sandals ? Hiking sandals. Hiking sandals. Hiking sandals. With his toes well imprinted on the soles. So his favourite hiking sandals. Also his toenails weren’t short, they were the perfect length for a nice short french-pedicure. Maybe he wants a french-pedicure. But why did he drive 5 hours for a french pedicure. Do they not have nail salons in his town ? And who would go to a nail salon with hiking sandals ? Do I look like I own a nailsalon for hikers ? Ey maybe I do, let’s give the man a chance as well as the benefit of the doubt. Let’s oppress this microfascistic impulse to get the ick and keep moving.
He was quite handsome, just very committed to acquiring absolutely no consideration to things such as but not limited to : feeling embarrassed about exposing his french-pedicure-ready toenail length in hiking sandals and trying to hug me when he said he was a sweaty mess. Why would he try to be considerate though; free unprotected sex with a virgin. Actually, not free, the gas. I forgot. This is what makes us girls. We forget about things like gaz, and the necessity to be as ruthless to these guys as they are with us.
As he was hugging me or squeezing me, I don’t know, I said I needed to install the toilet seat, and go to the laundrette so I could get my duvet and sheets that I like to take to the laundrette because otherwise it takes ages to dry and I’m scared of mold. We went out again, to the laundrette this time and I started singing Cardi B’s Last Christmas ironic parody where she says “Last Christmas, I gave you my ass” etc. Just to release my anxiety. He said it was childish or something. He was feeling bad about being too old for me and was trying to take it out on me. I have other problems my guy, one of which is having lacked the love required to raise a woman to not ever feel the need to do what I’m doing right now.
We picked up the duvet and sheets, I said I wanted to give them another spin because they were not dry enough for my liking, and he said it was fine, no, the ambassador of Mildew UK said it was fine, so I thought ugh, I didn’t bring coins with me anyways, and I’ll probably wash them again on Sunday when he leaves so anyway, let’s just take them as they are and leave.
He held the big bag with one arm and held my hand with the other. No just kidding, I carried one handle and he carried the other, until it felt awkward because of our slightly different walking rhythms, he then carried it himself and I held his hand, just so I can feel what it feels like to walk in the street with your boyfriend and whatnot. It felt nice. He had nice masculine build, and I was underweight so I felt, oh waw the divine masculine, the man, the provider, big arms, big bock, big shoulders. mmmdaddy. Oh. Here we are. We arrived in my flat that my dad pays the rent for, I took out my keys to open my door, and he went in and put my duvet and my sheets on my bed, and then laid on it too.
I told him to get up so I could make the bed. I saw the large spot of dried period blood on the bare mattress and told him about it. I knew he saw it because he laid his fat ass on it, but to make things less awkward I joked about having dubbed this brand new mattress with period blood within one week of having received it. That’s why they say 30 days guarantee. It’s for the girls.
Anyways. Instead of giving me some time to get used to his presence and stuff, he started hugging me, as in, we’re doing it now because I didn’t drive 5 hours for you to run your silly errands with you. I thought, let me just get him to the shower with me, even though I had taken a deep thorough one before he came because I’m considerate, and stupid because the shower also included shaving every single hair on my body and even risking to injure my small pussy lips because the razor isn’t adapted (rightly so) to foolish endeavours like these. Maybe I should’ve gotten a french pedicure so him and I can matchey-matchey.
After the quick shower with my avocado shower gel that I had gotten from The Body Shop (big mistake, I had to get rid of it after that because it reminded me of him). We got back to the bed and he taught me how to kiss. I was ok at it I think. But it felt less… warm than I thought. Physically and emotionally. He started caressing me and that too, felt mechanical, unwarm. We took off our clothes, unpassionately, and I sat astride him. He looked at me at some point and said that I looked beautiful. I don’t know why, but it did nothing for me. Oh… the beta-blockers I had taken. Beta-blockers are pills that keep your heart from beating too fast. I had been prescribed them a few years back to treat my panic attacks. I kept the box and took a quarter that day to prevent me from freaking out in his company.
But even his touch, my body, I don’t know, it felt stale. Asmr boyfriend makes me feel more with just a whisper. How come. I told him to pick me up, and talk to me a bit more. He was stingy with compliments and tenderness. To the point where I felt less wanted than when I’m clothed and alone in my room.
He took out his boxers in one go. Instead of asking me if I was ready or something.
I was shocked of course, it was the first time I was seeing a penis in real life. He seemed so unbothered by his nudity. I was too, but it was because I was skinnier than I had ever been, and all shaved and lasered, breastless, assless. I didn’t even feel naked. Let alone erotic. The only thing I enjoyed was him picking me up. Even though he didn’t know how to do it without pulling too tight on my thighs and catching my hair and pulling it with his embrace. I told him to put me down and press himself against me and bend me over and talk to me, and pull my hair a little. Good God; I was supposed to be the inexperienced one. He proceeded to grab and pull my hair, bend me over, and then said: “Little bitch, you like it rough huh ?”. Oh my- Intergalactic sigh. I acted like I had not heard what the fuck he had just said.
Thank god for that betablockers-amphetamines-antidepressants cocktail in my bloodstream because I think this would’ve been immediately followed by a panic attack and uninterrupted screaming. Conveniently I was all numb instead, stale and mechanic, just like him. He suggested I try giving him a blowjob. I didn’t really want to. He encouraged me to go for it in an incredibly irritating way. I did it. The first 3 seconds of sucking are salty. Is it urine ? Is it urine ? Is it urine ? It’s okay if it is, I just want to know. I didn’t ask, though I should’ve. He said I’m surprisingly good at it for a first timer, like a manager at McDonalds would say when letting you use the McFlurry maker for the first time. Mr. Olympic medalist in saying things that don’t make anyone feel horny. It’s ok, I know it’s supposed to make you feel horny. Maybe it was the intonation that was mediocre. It just makes me say hehe… thank you ?… hehehe.
After that, we tried penetration. Yes, with no further due, the due being for example… suggest you lick my pussy like I did with your penis, no ? To be honest I didn’t want him to. I was actually not interested in having an orgasm or anything like that. I lto have orgasms in private, comfortable, relaxed and horny. Not now, not with you buddy. Oh also, I was on the last day of my period and wanted to keep my tampon on.
Periods make you things like these; getting a complete stranger to meet you in your place and have sex, with no protection. I cannot to this day believe that I was stupid enough to not demand protection. I wasn’t even vaccinated against HPV. (It had been suggested to my mom 10 years prior, but no one cared enough about things like uterine cancer that might plague your daughters since even if they’re virgins until marriage, their lovely husbands won’t).
Anyways, it hurt too much and I wasn’t wet, so I just said let’s just… do something else, cause it’s not gonna work. Too painful. I tried again later, with me on top of him , knowing it wasn’t going in, just to make him feel like I was really into it. At some point, we were just on top of each other, kind of just, dry humping slowly, and he tried again, without my permission. I don’t really remember, if that’s what happened, but he did say “let’s just stop because I won’t be able to keep myself from trying to put it in”. I said ok. He then offered to eat me out. Probably to make me forget about his stealthy attempt to penetrate me. I told him ok, but don’t touch my clit. Too sensitive. And I just… didn’t want to. He ate me out, and I felt nothing. Again weirdly stale, cold. I wondered if I had desensitized my body with the cocktail of medication I was on. It was probably that. I asked him to finger me and he did. Now that felt good. But then he told me, oh ! You’re gonna cum ! Ruined my vibe. I said no I wasn’t.
Anyways. I then got up, and we kind of laid down for a while, and then I suggested I make him dinner. I got up and did a few things around the house first, and he said “ so, what turned you from a girl from a conservative household and all, to a sex kitten, apparently quite comfortable walking around naked…”
My god I hate this guy
This - this hurt to read. The world really does lack an understanding of tender love. Thank you for sharing